The Queen's Envoy (The Barsetshire Diaries) Page 11

  As she drove, she told me of all the things that had happened while I had been away. No one had actually sued Simone over the cake incident, but at the moment her cakes weren't selling too well. Lady J had just advised her to have a day where the cake was free, followed by a few days at half price to convince everyone that all was normal. Simone had also found her glasses and got herself a spare pair.

  It was quite late when we got in and I was tired, so I left my case unopened and went to bed. The girls would have to wait until the following day for their gifts.

  Night all.

  Tuesday, October 12, 1993

  Hitting the Jackpot at Home

  Oscar welcomed me home. As I got up to go to the loo in the night, he rubbed against my ankles and tripped me up. I landed belly down in the saddle of the rocking horse in the hall. No doubt wondering why I'd come to such a sudden halt, he jumped up onto my back. From my point of view it felt like he was doing a victory dance up there or perhaps just surveying his domain from a new perspective. I was most definitely a serf under this master.

  Gingerly I raised myself off the horse. As I did so, Oscar moved slowly up my back, using his claws freely until he attained an upright position on my shoulder. In the best parrot fashion he sneezed in my ear.

  He sat there until I got back to my bedroom and then jumped on to the bed. As I slid under the covers, he moved onto my chest, lay down and purred. The sound was deep and loud. For ten minutes I scratched his head, and then feeling wide awake I gently extricated myself and went for a coffee.

  As it was only 6:30 am I had time to enjoy it before making one for Lady J. I called to Ysabel to get up and heard her whoop with delight. I got the gifts from my bag and took them through to the lounge.

  Lady J emerged first with her coffee in hand and I passed her a large bottle of perfume and a silk scarf which I knew to be exclusive. She loved them and I earned my first hug of the day. Ysabel came in and seemed very excited with the jeans and jumper from Bloomingdale's which she described as awesome, and was even more pleased with the Bloomingdale's bag itself. By 8:00 am she was dressed in them and off to school.

  Lady J returned from dropping her off and said she wouldn’t be going to the stables today. I felt honoured, though she did say she fully expected me to take her out. I reminded her that I'd have to check if Bertie was coming and she replied, “Fine, dear”.

  Not only was Bertie coming but he arrived before I'd finished the call to his office. He must have contacts everywhere to for him to know that I was home again.

  “Wonderful to see you, David”, he said as he came in. “Did you have any joy?” That question at least proved to me that his people didn't know everything. I passed him the letters and said that I'd leave the decision to him as to whether they were destroyed or kept to remind the individual who wrote them to be more careful. I then passed him the box containing the bearer bonds. He looked surprised. “I managed to get hold of these”, I told him. “I saw no good in letting the blackmailer profit from the author’s stupidity”. I then passed him the little tie pin I'd bought and he looked touched.

  “David, thank you, it's wonderful. I take my hat off to you. You have unplumbed depths haven't you? Constantly surprising me. Now, let’s hear the story”.

  So I told him and Lady J the whole tale, minus the accident which I didn't think was relevant.

  “Amazing”, said Bertie. “You even got the Cousins to co-operate and now they owe us a favour”.

  “Well done, David”, said Lady J, “it shows you have the BALLS to do anything”. I flinched!

  When Bertie had gone, I took Grizelda a box of chocolates that I'd bought her in New York and told her that we'd be out for meals today.

  We drove up to town to have a coffee at Cass E Dees to show that there were no hard feelings and then we took a walk around the shops and picked up a jumper for Julia to wear with her new scarf.

  As 4.00 pm approached, we drove to Ysabel's school to pick her up. Offering her the chance to eat dinner wherever she liked in her new finery, she squealed “Fernando's”, which is the new 'in' place out on the Denton Road. As it was only about half an hour’s drive away, we agreed with the choice and made our way there. When we arrived, the car park was quite full in line with its reputation. A sign on the attached pub, 'Hideaway', said that they didn't open until 6:00 pm so I realised that Fernando's was definitely the draw for all the cars.

  As we went in, the maitre d’ approached to ask how many there were in our party. On hearing and seeing three, he beckoned us towards a table. We saw acquaintances as we passed other tables and waved or nodded politely. Our table was set for four people and was tucked in a little booth at the rear of the room. Menus were quickly brought to us and without doubt there were some good choices. I ordered some soft drinks while we chose our meals.

  When the drinks arrived, we had made our decision. Ysabel ordered an individual pizza with vine tomatoes, Parma ham, mozzarella cheese and mushrooms. Lady J chose a pasta dish with Bolognese sauce and mushrooms, accompanied by garlic bread. I knew the drive home would be smelly. I chose a ham and mushroom omelette with chips and a side salad. We declared that the meals were fantastic, magnificent and well-made, and to follow, we all had a piece of Black Forest gateau that melted on the tongue. It was beautiful. We had filter coffee and mints after that. Truly a feast.

  By now it was almost 6.00 pm and I suggested that we had a drink next door to finish the evening off. Because of her age, Ysabel chose a fresh orange juice which they actually prepared in front of us. Despite having just eaten, she added a bag of crisps to the order leaving me to wonder where she put it all.

  Lady J, being the designated (and only) driver, risked a small glass of wine while I, for some strange reason, felt very daring and had a Harvey Wallbanger. As we sat down, I offered two pounds in fifty pence pieces to Ysabel so that she could play on a machine which stood in a corner with lights flashing everywhere and looked like an item of alien technology. With all the whirring sounds that came from it, there was a possibility that I might be right in my guess.

  Lady J and I sat at a table and I told her how delighted I was to be home. Suddenly there was an almighty clanging sound and Ysabel ran back to us.

  “I've won the jackpot, Daddy, please can you collect it for me?” she said excitedly. I went over and money was still chugging out of the machine to an accompanying cacophony of bells, sirens and trumpet-like sounds. I noticed that the jackpot was fifty pounds so I could understand her excitement. Normally, any machines she played paid out a maximum of five pounds. The noise ceased and I started piling fifty pence pieces into my pockets. “You should have that Daddy. You gave me the money to play”, said Ysabel.

  “No my sweet, the winnings are yours to do with as you will when we get home again. I'll change it into notes for you. I thank you for the offer though”. I told her.

  Later at home I gave her fifty pounds from the envelope containing the money that I'd changed back from dollars at the airport from the original twenty thousand I'd been given. A lot remained. Though Bertie had taken back the hundred thousand in bearer bonds, he always left me what remained of the expenses. As he'd supplied the plane tickets there was still about ten thousand left to keep the household going till my next trip, should there be one.

  The fifty pence pieces I put in a jar which would be useful at Christmas. Ysabel hugged me and promised to be careful with her spending. I told her just to enjoy it. By about 10:00 pm, the travelling and the day had caught up with me and I said goodnight to the girls. I allowed myself enough time to write this before catching up on my sleep.

  Monday, September 5, 1994

  The Results

  All through this summer we've heard, “It's no good, I know I've failed”, from Ysabel. Should that be true she has a promising career as an actress judging by all the drama queen histrionics that have accompanied the statements. Nothing we could say could convince her that she was wrong or that the results didn't matter a
s long as she'd done her best.

  For the last two weeks of August, we'd allowed her to go on holiday with friends to Italy in the hope that it would take her mind off things. The parents of one of her friends have a nice villa over there where the girls couldn't get up to mischief. Of course, the results had arrived while she'd been away. The Great GCSE Debate was about to unfold now that she'd returned and I'm not sure who was more nervous, Ysabel or Lady J and I. Ysabel had tried to convince us both to open the envelope, but we'd both insisted that the honour was hers alone. At last the moment had arrived. She'd got back from the holiday late on the previous day, so we'd propped the envelope up against a teacup on the dining table this morning at breakfast.

  We expected a fanfare or a drum roll at least but gritting her teeth, Ysabel tore the envelope open. Julia and I sat there, tense, and watching the expressions on her face for any sign of what was to come, cheers or tears. Unfortunately the last expression, that of open-mouthed shock, was the one that now seemed to be locked on her face as the letter dangled from her hand.

  Unable to contain myself further, I extracted the letter from her white knuckled fingers and started to read it. I didn't seem to be able to speak or react when Lady J removed the letter from my fingers.

  “Three A star passes, 3 A passes and 2 B passes”, she read out loud. “Not a lot to worry about there is there?” she said.

  Ysabel and I came awake together both with rictus grins on our faces.

  “Congratulations, darling”, I said. “So what's next, maybe the teaching university?”

  “No Daddy, I want to take a year out and get a job”.

  We had been over this many times. Ysabel had oft told us of her desire to teach, but neither I nor Lady J was prepared to push her too much and maybe make her back off from university in rebellion. Still, a year out was a shock.

  Ysabel left the table and slowly walked out of the dining room. She must have reached the lounge when suddenly Lady J and I heard a whoop of delight and a scream of “Yeessssss!” echoing down the passageway. It seemed Ysabel's fear of failure had suddenly disappeared. I took out my wallet and started counting notes onto the table.

  “What are you doing, David?” asked Julia.

  “Paying up as promised, my dear”, I replied, “Twenty pounds for each A star, ten pounds for each A and I'll top it up to a hundred for the B passes too. I'd hate to have to pay up when she's confident of her results, if it costs me this much when she thinks she's failed”.

  “True, my dear”, said Lady J. “I'd better start counting too as I made her a similar promise myself. At this rate we'll both be borrowing the housekeeping from her”.

  Tuesday, September 6, 1994

  The Pianist

  My eyes opened and I stared into the eyes of my deadliest foe who bristled with weapons. Needless to say it was the cat who'd woken me up and the weapons were his claws, which he was extending and retracting into my neck. I'm sure his eyes were daring me to move and promising me regrets if I did. He was comfortable and that's all that counted.

  After what seemed like an hour of our confrontational eyes, he finally got bored and moved himself to a comfortable spot on my stomach, which was well covered by the duvet and protected me from the claws of the demon upon me. I edged up the bed slightly to look at the clock. It read 6:15 am and I silently sent sarcastic thanks to the cat. Edging myself from under him I slid out of bed. Immediately he found the warm spot that I'd vacated and went to sleep. I slipped on my dressing gown and went to make a drink, but to my surprise Lady J was already there drinking a coffee.

  “Good morning, my dear”, I said. “Bad night?”

  “No, dear”, she answered, “I just woke up early when the cat used my body as a springboard on his way in to you”.

  I don't know why but I apologised as though I was responsible for his actions.

  “What plans for today, my dear?” I asked.

  “Well, I'm going to the stables at 7:00 am to turn the horse out and groom him, then I'll be back in time to take you for your blood test. After that, I think Ysabel wants to go to Barchester to spend her exam money on a new set of clothes”.

  Inwardly I groaned, as I'd forgotten the blood tests which the doctor had ordered a while ago when he'd found my blood pressure was high. I knew that they'd be checking cholesterol levels, and that my penchant for potatoes and bread in large quantities would not have helped.

  At 9:00 am prompt we arrived at the local cottage hospital to have the blood drawn.

  “Diet?” asked the nurse.

  “What colour?” I replied, trying to lift the mood, and anyway I couldn't help myself.

  “Har de har”, she said, “as if I hadn't heard that before”.

  Rebuked, I hung my head and said, “Normal diet, I suppose, with a heavy reliance on potatoes and white bread”.

  “That stops now”, she told me, “no more than two small potatoes from now on and a change to wholemeal bread”.

  “OK”, I sighed, “I'll cut down drastically. Am I allowed treats like chocolate?”

  “Not a chance”, said she and the sunlight went out of my day.

  I went outside to where Lady J and Ysabel were waiting.

  “You look like you've lost a pound and found sixpence, Daddy”, said Ysabel.

  I explained what had been said by the nurse and they sympathised by telling me that I wouldn't be able to join them for chocolate cake with my coffee when we had a break in shopping. I'm sure that I glimpsed slight grins on both faces at that.

  We reached Barchester and parked up at a shopping precinct, where there was a large number of the type of shops that Ysabel liked. We got out of the car and followed her as she led us from shop to shop full of unmentionables. No doubt heaven for her, but hell for me, not knowing where to put my face when asked to give an opinion on prospective purchases.

  Lady J and I were given various bags to carry so that we didn't feel useless. When we had about a tree's worth of paper carrier bags we stopped for coffee. It was painful to see them tuck into their cake with such glee, while my stomach grumbled and asked where its share was.

  Soon the pace picked up and we were off again. We must have looked at the world's supply of jeans, skirts and tops when Ysabel finally announced she'd finished. With a quiet shout of ‘Hurrah’, I suggested that we look for somewhere to have lunch. Lady J suggested that we go to the Cathedral café which would give us a chance to look around afterwards. We all agreed and headed in that direction.

  The café was rather sparse but the small menu did at least have a homemade soup and bread roll on which we settled. Finding a table, we carried the soups over together with our drinks. I had just had my first spoonful of soup when 'plonk', there was someone just settling down at the piano. Thinking nothing of it, I settled down again to my soup when I heard it.... ‘plink, plonk, bum note, plink’. It was awful.

  The tunes played were just about recognizable, but interspersed with so many bum notes that I was unable to carry on eating in case I choked with laughter. I glance across at Lady J and that was it – we both struggled to stifle the sound but there was no mistaking the fact that we were laughing. Ysabel joined in, tears in her eyes, and it seemed to be catching table by table like the tide rolling in. Unable to hold it in any longer, one man laughed out loud. The elderly lady on the piano stool looked round but continued playing. As she was unable to see the keys, this did not help improve the cabaret. Her fingers ran over the keys, but did a worse job than before as all her attention was now focused on us. More bum notes came and the laughter got louder and spread more. It seemed to echo from the beams of the ceiling and all the battle flags of local regiments on the walls rippled gently. By now I was really struggling and I certainly wasn't the only one, as the strain of holding the laughter in showed on Lady J's face. There was no chance of me trying more of the soup at that moment.

  Just then two of the cathedral's deans entered the room and walked over to our table.

  “I'
m sorry sir”, said one, “but I'll have to ask you to vacate the cathedral precincts”.

  “Pardon?” I asked, a little incredulous.

  “We believe that you threaten the dignity of the cathedral, sir”, said number two.

  “David”, said Lady J, “I believe it's time we left. Come, dear”.

  I followed as we were escorted outside to the sound of the laughter behind us and the continued ‘plink, plonk, bum note, plink’.

  Outside, all I could think of to say was, “I never even got to eat my roll”.

  “Never mind, Daddy, it was white bread anyway”, said Ysabel, at which we all three burst into laughter, drawing odd looks from passers-by. The only time we had been ejected from somewhere and it had to be a cathedral.

  Thursday, July 8, 1999

  A Room with a View

  The phone trilled early this morning. As I came awake, the cat, who was lying on my chest, stuck his front paws on my lips as though to shush me. I wasn't about to speak, but knowing that two sets of claws could easily be attached to my upper lip, a scream wasn't far away.

  Gently my hands moved to lift the paws away so that I could roll out of bed. Too late, I heard Lady J's voice as she answered the phone. As I moved closer to the edge of the bed, I deposited the two paws back on the quilt but not before they had hit out and placed two sets of red lines on my opposing thumbs. Oscar settled down where my body had lain, oblivious to my pain and to the welling of the blood on my thumbs. I ran through, past Lady J, to the kitchen where I knew there were plasters, arms up and thumbs extended like a Roman emperor of old at the Coliseum.