My Barsetshire Diary (The Barsetshire Diaries Book 1) Page 12

  Then came a short break during which I bought some more drinks, a bag of crisps and some peanuts. You can tell I love to eat out.

  Part two started and the landlord announced a new music section for songs from the 90s onwards in fairness to the younger competitors. Ouch, that could hurt, I thought, but was surprised to recognise Snow Patrol with Chasing Cars and Amy Winehouse with Rehab. I even saw Julia tapping her feet.

  Ten sports questions followed. I got a snooker question and Lady J answered about six others to my surprise, especially as none were horse related. Finally came the general knowledge, and I was sure we'd done ok in that.

  That was the end of the quiz. We'd given up hopes of winning anything but we'd had a bit of fun. After about ten minutes the landlord returned to the room and started reading the scores.

  The Rat Traps 51, Tinkers 28, Hello Sailors 37, Brainiacs 57 and so on until he reached us. “Bad Manors 57", he said, "and so we have a tie. You can either split the prize or have a tie break question”.

  As the prize is eight pints of the local brew I was going to suggest they kept it, but Lady J piped up with "A tiebreak please”. And the other team agreed.

  The landlord shuffled his papers for a moment and then asked if we were ready. We all nodded.

  "Right”, he said, "How many animals of each SPECIES, did Moses take aboard the ark? Remember, I said SPECIES”.

  I sat and puzzled. I saw Julia write something down and pass it over. ‘SPECIES’, I thought. ‘This has got to be a trick, it has to be two’.

  Minutes later I realised Julia was linking my arm and we were heading for home. Julia said something about Mellors being happy tomorrow with the drinks, but I was still concentrating on the question. Finally it clicked what she'd said. “You got the answer", I said. "It was two, wasn't it?"

  "Actually it was NONE", she said.

  "How is that possible?" I asked.

  "Because Moses never entered the ark", she said. "It was Noah”.

  Saturday, August 7, 2010

  Edna and the Germans

  What a strange night that was. When I went to bed I found I had been beaten to it and usurped. Oscar was lying not on my bed but in it. He'd obviously burrowed down, turned around and had now left just his head above the covers resting on my bottom pillow, where my head belonged. He totally ignored my verbal coaxing and didn't bat an eyelid when I pulled the duvet off him. However, his whole being said, “No further pal".

  I suppose I could say I left him there because of the 'Aww' factor of seeing him, but truth to tell I left him because he scares me to death. I took temporary refuge in Lady J's room and managed to sleep from about twelve till one thirty. Then, slipping out carefully so as not to wake her, I went to check my room again. Oscar was still there and I swear his mouth was smirking. The settee was my next option and I was fairly comfortable there until ten to five.

  He was still in my bed, though he did stir long enough to look at me as I came in. I backed off and headed for the study.

  I had an invitation to become a fan of the Anunnaki on a website where I could also listen to an expert give all the facts on a radio broadcast.

  I had an invitation to join an online bingo club where you win a prize every time.

  Oh, the struggle to decide what to join!

  My mystic friend said I must contact her without delay, before it was too late, while there was still a chance for me. I decided to wait till it was urgent.

  I glanced down and there was Oscar staring up at me. I wished he would stop creeping up on me. So now he'd finally vacated my bed, and it was all because he expected me to feed him. Me, you know, the one whose bed he stole. Well, Oscar, I thought, you can just wait until... OK just let me turn the computer off.

  It was getting close to the time for Her Ladyship's coffee, so no point in trying to nip into my bed and sleep for a while. But I checked my bed anyway, and there he was having a final wash before settling down again. Reminder to myself...shut door later when he comes out.

  Lady J had decided we need to go shopping this morning. It seemed we needed to ride out to a large supermarket that sells clothes. Reason? I needed a new shirt for that night. Until that moment I was not aware of it. Apparently there was no time to go to Barchester to my tailor’s even though it was approximately the same distance away. I wouldn’t argue as I was sure we probably needed other things as well.

  So, I found a wheelbarrow to take her coffee through (OK, I didn't, but it is a huge cup).

  Having drunk it she got up and made to go and do the cat's dishes. I pointed out she could relax as I'd already done them. I knew she couldn’t really rest as she had to give him his antibiotic yet. Out of the kindness of my heart I decided to bring him through to see his 'mummy'. Naturally he was no longer in or on my bed and was nowhere to be seen. Discretion being the better part of valour, I decided to shower and dress.

  Back in the lounge again I found that Lady J had also got dressed. She hadn't been able to find Oscar. I suggested hiding the tablet in his food so that he'd have eaten it before we get back.

  At 8.00 am we were on our way to the supermarket and by 8.40 were sitting with a coffee (if you could call it that) inside the store cafeteria. We eventually found me a suitable dress shirt, white, wing collar and frills all down the front. Apparently it was just what I was looking for. We also looked at and bought some ladies’ shoes and a handbag to match, after which we bought some groceries, cat food and then went for another coffee.

  The journey home consisted of periods of quiet, interspersed with comments from Lady J about making an impression that night. I was just trying to doze without being caught.

  This afternoon was pleasant in the main. We returned to find Oscar had eaten from his dish, all the way round the bit concealing the tablet. He himself was lounging on my chair, sorry, on one of his chairs. Julia pinned him down and I was tempted to start the wrestling count of three. Instead, I just disappeared to my office and put my headphones on and pretended to be listening to music. Not long afterwards, Julia came in with a cup of coffee and pointed out I would be more convincing if I'd stuck the jack in its socket. There were no marks on her that I could see and she looked OK, so I asked about the tablet.

  "Easy peasy", she replied. "Took it no trouble at all”. I congratulated her and followed her back to the lounge. My chair was actually free. I didn't have the heart to tell her there was an uneaten tablet in the middle of the seat. I dropped it quietly in the bin and sat with my drink.

  Julia's hairdresser came soon after, and I just whiled away the afternoon in my chair studying the insides of my eyelids.

  That night’s affair was a reception for some dignitaries from our twin town and was to be hosted by our mayor and mayoress. There was to be a finger food buffet and drinks, so I didn't bother to eat during the day.

  At six o'clock I got changed. I wore my new white shirt, a black bow tie under a black dinner suit, with a black silk strip running down each trouser leg.

  At a quarter to seven Julia appeared. She looked stunning in a maroon silk full length evening dress. There were short sleeves that almost reached her elbows but quite tight, and the dress had a high neck like a mandarin collar. She had a double strand of pearls in a choker style and wore a matching bracelet and earrings. The earrings showed beautifully beneath the almost pixie hairstyle she now wore. Her hands were bare except for her engagement and wedding rings, and the only other piece of jewellery she wore was a small brooch, which bore our coat of arms picked out in precious stones. Everything was beautifully understated.

  At 7.00 pm Mellors arrived to act as our driver. It looked like he'd borrowed a policeman's cap as it still had the chequered band on it.

  When we arrived at the town hall, we were surprised to be greeted by the security man dressed as a footman, complete with powdered wig. He didn't look very comfortable. When I heard a tut tut from behind me, I knew Lady J thought it was over the top.

  We entered the building and at the
door of the Council Chamber were met by our hosts. Edgar was dressed like myself and was wearing his mayoral chain proudly on a puffed up chest.

  Edna was wearing a short low cut gown in various shades of green. It had a dark green body, three quarter sleeves with a lighter green trim and another different green trim at the hem. She wore long gloves in a Lincoln green, and over the wrist of one was the biggest piece of paste jewellery I've ever seen, full of fake emeralds. In her hair she wore a band of small feathers, and on the whole would have resembled a parrot if it wasn't for the ever present mayoress's chain. Around her throat was a black velvet band with a large green brooch at the centre front.

  Edgar himself greeted us in his usual charming manner, but apart from a very stiff necked nod in our direction, there was nothing from Edna.

  Edgar lightly put his lips to Julia's fingers and asked if he could introduce us to his guests of honour. We both answered that we'd be delighted.

  “Lord David, Lady Julia”, he started, “may I introduce you to Burgermeister Schlick and his wife Gretchen from Baden Mee in Westphalia, which as you know is our twin town. Also allow me to introduce Herr und Frau Schlock”.

  "A pleasure, meinen Herren", I offered to the gentlemen, and "enchanted Frau Schlick und Frau Schlock", to the ladies.

  Edgar started again, "Burgermeister und Frau Schlick, Herr und Frau Schlock, allow me to introduce you to Lord David and Lady Julia, friends and guests”. I thought Edgar had done an excellent job and was warmed by his last comment, but there was no reaction from Julia.

  Edgar left us talking to the German group as he went to greet new guests at the door.

  "Unt zo, you are a Lord”, said Herr Schlock. " Ve do not haf such many of those peoples in my country”.

  "But I know quite a few of the noble houses in Germany”, I replied.

  "Yah, but zis is dyink out as ve has no Koenig now”.

  "Such a shame", I said with fingers crossed, as I remembered only too well the stories of Victoria's nasty nephew the Kaiser 'Willie'. Though I would love actually to see the monarchies of Europe reinstated and reunited in the common aim of bettering the lot of their people against the politicians.

  The conversation was pleasant and easy as both Julia and I have a little German. We went to mingle with the other guests as Edgar came to make his introductions again, after which I saw him make a gesture towards the stage. I hadn't noticed the four young men up there before. Two had guitars, one an organ and the other was on drums. They started playing and I almost laughed when I realised it was meant to be chamber music. Then Edna mounted the stage and took a microphone. “Honoured guests", she started, “ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to this reception for our overseas friends. We hope you will enjoy the evening and let our guests return home to speak of British hospitality. There is food available in the mayor’s parlour next door, please help yourselves”. It would have been an acceptable speech had I not seen Julia wince at the deliberate slight of not welcoming lords and ladies. I'm more or less resigned to Edna's dislike, but Julia took it personally. This could be war.

  I walked over to Edgar leaving Lady J enjoying a drink.

  "Edgar, old man", I started

  "I'm so sorry, Lord David”, he interrupted.

  “Edgar, just between ourselves, can you tell me why Edna dislikes us so much? Also, between us, why don't you just call me David?”.

  "Thank you My Lo, uh David", he said. "It's a bit of a story. When she was young, Edna's father always used to call her his Little Princess. It was Little Princess this and Little Princess that, all the time. One day, when she was about nine, she was playing in the woods when old Pritchard rode up and asked what she was doing on his land. She told him he should bow when he spoke to a Princess. He told her not to be silly, he knew her parents and she was not a princess, just a silly girl. She ran home crying and has hated titles ever since”.

  "What a shame”, said I, "Pritchard could have been nicer and saved us all a deal of trouble”.

  I would have spoken more to him but I had to excuse myself when I saw Lady J and Edna facing each other at the far end of the room. Not wanting a scene which might embarrass everyone, I almost ran over.

  I arrived in time to hear Edna say, “You’re only a lady because you married a lord”.

  I heard Julia reply, "Quite true, DEAR, but you're only a mayoress because you're married to the mayor”.

  "But I work hard at being a Mayoress", was the retort.

  “And I work hard to raise money for charity", was Julia's response.

  “Hah, I bet it's the title that does the work and not you”, came Edna's reply

  "Edna, if I took off your chain, would you do any work at all? I worked before the title and have worked since the title. As far as I can see, the only use that chain could really be put to is pulling it to flush that unhappy face of yours”.

  At this reference to her chain serving as a toilet chain, Edna reeled back in shock... Julia had kept a smile on her face throughout the whole conversation, so that no bystanders would see anything amiss. I led her away and could feel the tension.

  The evening progressed and we had a little food, and when the boys onstage were allowed to play their music we had a dance. We also circulated and chatted to a lot of people.

  Herr Burgermeister Schlick had asked me at one point about 'ze strange voman mit der chain', and I had answered she was our burgomeister's wife. He was amazed and thought he should swap her.

  One guest asked me where the Germans were from. "Baden Mee", I said."Granted", said he.

  As I wandered about I saw Julia bump into Edna once or twice more and yet both were still standing. I looked for icicles forming on the ceiling and saw none. The next time it happened, I was close enough to hear my wife say something like, "The proof of the pudding's in the eating", and I thought they couldn’t be swapping recipes. Before I could hear more, I was whisked away for a dance by Miss Childerstone.

  Edgar got up on stage to thank everyone for attending and for welcoming our visitors. He reminded us all that donations to the Mayor’s Fund were welcome on our way out. He wished us all goodnight, and with a beaming smile asked the band to play The Last Waltz.

  Lady J and I said our goodnights to everyone and went out to look for Mellors with the car. We found him easily and woke him up getting into the car. He asked if we'd had a good evening to which we both replied that we had. Then conversation ended for the ride home.

  At home again I asked Julia what she'd found to speak to Edna about, as their first greeting had certainly been frosty. I said it was unusual for her to go back looking for a fight.

  “Ah", she said, "no fight. I asked her if she'd like to call a truce to the silliness and end her mayoral year on a high note”.

  "How could you accomplish that?", I asked.

  "By making sure her charity gets the biggest donation from the Mayoral Fund for many a year. I suggested organising a gymkhana to raise money”.

  "My dear, you amaze me", I told her. "That's really generous”.

  "She told me that next year she wants to try for councillor, so that one day they make her mayoress in her own right”, said Julia. "I told her she has a long way to go to make that unless her attitude changes, but a good end to Edgar's year with her help could only do her good”.

  "Well, that's probably a lost cause then”. I said. "Luckily we don't see her too often”.

  "Maybe not", she said. "One thing I didn't mention. I told her you'd organise her campaign!"

  Epilogue

  I pause here, dear reader, as you now have a vision as to the life of this lord. My life obviously does not cease at this point and nor does my diary. But you may not wish to know the shenanigans of my life in the future. I cannot tire your imagination further than the present day. But what does the future hold for me? Well, who knows, but perhaps my diaries may yet reveal my future life.

  The Author, Lord David Prosser, lives in a small village in Wales. He is surrounded by the char
acters from the book and of course has heavily disguised the cast's real names in order to avoid being sued. The cat, however, he's taken a chance on, as it doesn't have a solicitor. His wife and daughter obviously exist too and have promised to take no action against him in exchange for his credit card. Please Dear Reader venture into his world to keep him solvent.