More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries) Page 3

  Eventually the items were bagged and catching my card before it made good its escape I handed it over and placed my fingers in my ears so I wouldn't hear it scream when the total was read. Unfortunately I still heard a scream and recognised it as mine.

  Brollies now parting a path before us we managed to get out of the store alive. With tears of gratitude in my eyes I suggested a coffee. “Good idea David” agreed Lady J, “I need a break after that.”

  There was a pleasant little café close by and we made our way there. Inside it was quite busy with people who had also escaped the melee of the store. We found a table next to a couple where the wife was ranting “And where were you Egbert when someone tried to steal my brassiere?” Then leaning over she added “hello Julia, David, Ysabel. Mayhem in there wasn't it?”

  “Yes Ethel” I replied, “Some people seem to lose all control in the sales. Good Morning Egbert,” I added with a wink. Lady Ethel and Sir Egbert were old friends of ours from Praisewater.

  The drinks arrived and the conversation turned to who had got what and how much they'd managed to save. I thought to myself that they'd saved a fortune since I was the one who'd paid. I counted the bags and between us we had nineteen. Enough bedding, clothes and knick knacks to last us a lifetime, or so I thought until Ysabel said she's been shopping with Christmas in mind. It looked like my largesse would be hitting a wider audience than I'd thought.

  As we left the café, nodding to various friends and acquaintances, Lady J suggested I treat us all to lunch on the way home. Ysabel saved me by suggesting we walk back to her house and have lunch there. “I’m going shopping with some friends this afternoon” she told us. I'm frankly amazed at her stamina.

  We had a nice sandwich and a slice of cake before Lady J and I packed the car and hugged Ysabel good bye.

  The journey home seemed to go quite quickly and we soon had the shopping inside. Smiling, Lady J passed me a bag and said it was for me. Inside I found a cardigan with pictures of teddy bears on it and a pair of pyjamas that would never fasten around my girth.

  “Wonderful my dear” I thanked her, “but I think it would be nice if you passed the pyjamas on to the Wing Commander as I have plenty.” She only hesitated a moment before agreeing and I knew I was in her good books when she added “That’s so kind of you, Daddy will love them.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief at not having to sport a pair of sheep covered, too small pyjamas to bed at night. Lady J had even bought Grizelda a gift, a pair of slippers to wear in comfort around the house. Grizelda was overwhelmed. Whether it was because there had been a gift for her or because the slippers were shaped like a pair of rabbits I don't know.

  Soon afterwards Col. Wyn dropped in. “What ho brother of mine” he said dropping into a chair, “any chance of a cup of tea?”

  Grizelda shuffled away in her rabbits feet to make us all one.

  “Just came to let you know Jessie is taking driving lessons tomorrow so I'd steer clear of going out if I were you” he chuckled.

  We sat and chatted for a while and I asked about his back which had been injured when he'd been thrown from a horse on one occasion.

  “Not too bad” was his response, “but a lot of problems walking if it gets too cold.”

  “I have just the thing” I said, getting up and going to the hall. Just moments later returning with a walking stick from my collection that sported the head of a horse as the handle. “That should give you quite a bit of support on the bad days,” I told him.

  “Oh, lovely reminder of the accident” he said smiling.

  “Oops, I didn't think” I responded, “but at least this horse will offer you more support than the last one did.”

  “You know Matthias will pinch this within five minutes of me getting it through the door” he laughed, “Sticks are his latest passion.”

  “Well, that's a present to bear in mind for Christmas then” said Lady J.

  After a pleasant afternoon Wyn got up to leave.

  “By the by” he said “I saw our nephew Dafydd this morning. He and Geena are having a Christening for young Ivy soon so expect an invitation.”

  “I haven't seen him for a while “I said, “is he still an investment advisor?”

  “No,” he responded, “these days he sells insurance. Beware he doesn't try to sell you a policy. I think he practices on Geena and Ivy as I'm sure I heard the baby say assurance to me last week.”

  Wyn departed and Grizelda called us to table for dinner. It was a beautiful beef casserole with new potatoes and garden peas. This was followed by a rhubarb crumble and cream. Replete, I left the table and settled in front of the blazing fire in the lounge where I promptly fell asleep until bedtime.

  Saturday, October 30, 2010

  Barefaced Cheek

  The battle was going well. I rode along the pass chasing the last of the rebel tribesmen and was confident of a quick victory. What I hadn't expected in my misplaced confidence was an ambush.

  I saw nothing but I heard the whoosh of a body hurtling through the air. It landed on my head flinging my hat away. I realised the rogue Rajah had set one of his pet tigers on me as I first felt the pain.

  I woke up then to find Oscar clinging to my scalp after sliding from the top of my pillows to my head lying below. He was in no danger from slipping the last few inches but seemed reluctant to let go. I moved my toes desperately against the covers in an attempt to distract him and felt his body stiffen. He released his grip and with a huge push against my head, leapt to the bottom of the bed to pounce on the offending-but safe-toes. My head was on fire with the stinging from where his claws had pierced as I flung myself out of bed to get some salve to rub on. Now is the time to warn all of you that it's always a good idea to put your glasses on if you're going to open ointments. In error and because of my speed I applied a heat rub for muscle pain. Oh but that stung! I hopped from foot to foot as though it could take the sting away and when it didn't I ran to the shower. Two major mistakes, One, I still had pyjamas on, and Two, as I rubbed shampoo on to get rid of the heat rub it hurt even more. I swore by the end of the day there would be more catgut guitar strings on the market.

  I shut down the shower, removed my sodden clothes and dried myself off. My pyjamas went into the laundry bin and I opened the door to go and get dressed. There was a scream and a crash as Grizelda dropped the tray she was carrying. She picked things up and scuttled off as Lady J arrived to investigate the noise.

  “David, what on earth are you doing? You can't walk around like that in the morning and what are those streaks of red running down your forehead?”

  “No time to explain now dear” I said as I heard Grizelda approaching, “I have to get dressed!”

  “Excellent idea, then perhaps you can apologise to poor Grizelda before she hands in her notice in disgust. By the way,” she called after my retreating back, “have you seen dear Oscar this morning?”

  Luckily for me I was far enough away for her not to hear my answer.

  I dressed quickly and had just finished when there was a knock, followed by my door opening and Grizelda's head peeping round.

  “Your coffee Lord David, it's a fresh one” she said after seeing I was dressed and she brought it in. “Sorry about that before My Lord, you just startled me.” Her words immediately removed any discomfort and I responded “My fault Grizelda, I should have been more careful.”

  I took my coffee through to the lounge where Lady J was seated. One of her hands held a coffee cup whilst the other was occupied stroking my mortal enemy. I quickly took my seat before Oscar could move and claim it for himself.

  “Oscar seems a little upset David, have you done something to him?” Said Lady J while the offender opened his eyes and looked smugly at me.

  “No dear,” I answered, “He seemed to have a fright and held onto me for comfort, using his claws for a better grip.”

  “And I suppose you jumped instead of comforting him,” she accused me.

  “Probably d
ear,” I said, knowing Oscar would never be held to blame.

  At that moment Suki arrived. “Hello both,” she said, “I have a favour to ask. My car is misbehaving again this morning and I need to go to town to collect something. Is there any chance of a lift and the coffees are on me?”

  “Who can refuse an offer like that?” I said.

  “Certainly not me” said Lady J with a smile, “Let's get going.”

  The journey was fun with little bursts of banter betwixt front seats and back where Suki sat. And glancing in the rear view mirror I could see she had a wonderful way of making the most innocuous remark seem suggestive while maintaining a straight face. We arrived at the shopping centre, parked up and entered Smalltrees, a well known ex catalogue store. Suki went to the counter to collect her package while Julia and I browsed. I could feel the odd twitch of alarm from my wallet but she was remarkably good today, buying nothing.

  Suki was waiting by the counter for us when we'd finished our look around and I saw her package was quite large.

  “Let's put it straight in the car” I suggested, “and go for the promised coffee.”

  Everyone agreed and as the boot was closed we wandered to a little coffee shop called 'Are you tempted' which sells sweet gifts. Handmade chocolates, cards and best of all had a coffee shop at the rear. Lady J and I were regular visitors there and knew all the staff. They're a friendly bunch, especially the owner who has an accent so broad when she talks that it could easily seat another four people.

  We ordered our drinks and the free piece of toast each that accompanied all drinks before 11.00 am. We had just beaten that deadline.

  Everything was going well until a distinct smell of urine hit us like a brick wall. A young child on a nearby table had unfortunately had an accident which was now pooling on the floor. The staff, on the ball as ever, were walking round with cans of air freshener down by their sides squirting surreptitiously. It seemed like they all had tails trailing behind them that just faded away. Another was mopping the aisles nearby and making her way towards the puddle as though it just happened to be in her path. The staff were making sure no-one was made uncomfortable by the accident including the mother of the child.

  I finished my coffee and excused myself leaving the girls chatting as I went to the front counter where I bought two small boxes of chocolates and one larger one. The bigger one I passed to Jules, a senior member of the staff, for the others to enjoy by way of my compliments on their handling of a difficult situation. The smaller ones I gave to the girls as they finished nattering and joined me.

  “Thank you dear” said Lady J, “should I be asking what's on your conscience?”

  “Not this time my dear” I replied, “just appreciation of a nice day and good company.” I hoped that would earn me a few points for the future. We left the shop and started home again.

  “Dear heart,” I said, “let's stop off on the way and have lunch.”

  “Good idea” she replied, “provided Suki has the time.”

  “Oh yes, and the inclination” said Suki, face as straight as ever.

  So, we parked up in Praisewater and headed for Cass E. Dees where we we're greeted at the door by Kaytee who, grinning from ear to ear announced her engagement. She held out her hand to dazzle us but nothing could ever compete with her smile.

  “Lucky lad,” I told her and slipped her some cash to get an appropriate gift from us, despite her arguments.

  We sat at a free table and Sherryl came to take our order. She was as warm a person as you could get.

  “Three of your buckets of coffee” I said, and for food I'll take a bowl of Simone's wonderful stew.” The girls ordered the same and Sherryl disappeared towards the kitchen with a noticeable limp. On her return with the coffees I asked what was wrong and she explained she'd dropped a bean on it. With a smile she told us that unfortunately the bean was accompanied by thousands of others in a catering size tin. Despite her obvious discomfort she made us laugh. What made us laugh even more was when she returned to the kitchen we heard her shout, “Kaytee, come and turn the oven down for me, my knob's gone funny.” What made Suki then howl was when Lady J remarked to me “I thought you were the only funny nob round here.”

  We enjoyed the stew and the light conversation between the tables. As we got up to leave Kaytee made my day by giving each of us a hug. More satisfying and less fattening than a pudding as Suki said.

  Back at home I asked Suki if she wanted to be dropped off with her parcel. “Oh no” she said, “It stays here as it's a gift for you both.”

  I carried the box in from the car and gave Lady J the pleasure of opening it. Inside was a beautiful statue of Arkle the racehorse. It was really well modelled and looking at Julia's face Suki knew she'd made the right choice.

  I hugged Suki as I thanked her, but Julia’s bear hug looked as though it wouldn't end. “It's wonderful Suki,” she said, “thank you so much.”

  I had to agree but the statue was huge and I had no idea where to put it though no doubt Lady J would find a place after removing some of my pocket watch collection.

  “Just don't ask me for another saddle dear,” I said with a smile “it's certainly big enough to ride.”

  “Don't be ridiculous David,” she told me, though I could see her face wore a grin. “He's not been broken in yet.”

  Suki left with words of our love ringing in her ears and I settled down to watch Lady J create a place of honour for Arkle. He certainly wouldn't be lonely with all the other horse figurines around.

  “Suki is such a darling girl,” said Lady J.

  “Yes” I replied, “She's a real Princess isn't she.” which earned me a clout.

  As the day grew darker I went to my office to answer emails. Knowing there would be light from the computer monitor I didn't turn the room light on. As I sat down on my chair a squeal rang out. Oscar had been resting there while we were out. Suitably flattened he shot out of the room. My day was complete!

  Grinning slightly I took my shoes off and donned a pair of slippers intending to walk through to check Oscar was OK when I felt dampness on my right foot. I switched the light on and saw that Oscar had climbed onto my desk and knocked over a glass of water which had drained into my slipper. Holding my foot up to remove the slipper and now wet sock I noticed Oscar sitting in the doorway with a Cheshire cat size grin on his face. I just can't win.

  Sunday, October 31, 2010

  An ASBO Waiting to Happen

  Oscar let me sleep in this morning until almost 7.00 am. I was even allowed to come round naturally while he just sat by my bed sending mental pictures of an empty bowl and a disgruntled cat. It didn't take me long to get the message when he yawned and allowed me full view of a mouthful of needle sharp teeth.

  I went and collected his empty bowl for washing and chose a sachet of food I hoped would put me in his good books. Before I washed the bowl I put the kettle on for a coffee.

  With the cat now happily eating his breakfast, I took my coffee through to the lounge to enjoy a little quiet time. It was just approaching 7.30 am when the phone rang. A little early for a Sunday I thought as I grabbed the receiver before the ring disturbed Lady J. It was Ysabel. Almost before I had time to say good morning she jumped in with a question.

  “Daddy, if you have no plans would it be alright to come over for lunch with a friend I'd like you to meet?”

  The reply was easy. “Of course darling. We've decided to go out for lunch but you're welcome to join us. Can you make it here for mid-day?”

  “We'll be there daddy, love you, bye.” I heard as her receiver dropped bringing to an end the chance of any questions.

  I prepared Lady J's usual bucket of coffee and carried it through to her along with the news of our lunchtime guests. Today her morning exercise was jumping... to the conclusion that Ysabel was about to announce an engagement. Though my hopes were high I had learned not to jump the gun. A friend could mean just that... a friend.

  I made us a second
cup of coffee and put them in the lounge after which I decided to shower and dress. By the time I returned my coffee was cool but Lady J's had gone. Realising she had probably gone to shower I walked though to her room. From behind a pyramid of clothes on her bed I could hear, “No, not that one, no, not that colour.”

  “Hello dear, are you OK?” I asked.

  “Yes thank you, just sorting out an outfit for lunchtime,” she said.

  “You will remember we're only going to a pub carvery won't you?” I asked.

  “Of course I will, but I don't want to let Ysabel down,” she replied.

  I wandered back to the lounge trying to work out the logic of that one.

  Just after 11.00 am Lady J came through in her chosen outfit. She'd settled on a long jumper dress with a pair of leggings beneath. Smart, but very comfortable and informal. I felt a little out of place in my wing collar shirt, cravat and waistcoat which I'd put on in expectation of Lady J's choice of a more formal outfit.

  It was about 11.30 am when I glimpsed out of the corner of my eye someone approaching the front of the house. It was just one person and it wasn't Ysabel. In fact it looked like an ASBO waiting to happen. Obviously male, very tall, with low slung jeans and wearing a hoodie. I dashed to the front door to see what he wanted before my visitors arrived. I opened the door and was faced with an ebony visage beneath the hood. I was about to speak when I heard footsteps and saw Ysabel approach.

  “Hi daddy,” she said, “I see you've met Hugo.”

  A large hand came forward to grasp mine, “Pleased to meet you sir” said an Oxbridge accent.